This is the text of my latest performance piece, which I premiered at the 12th Annual Fresh Meat Festival in San Francisco.

“Teach Me, Queer Yoda”

I have 35 things to say, and some of them are funny:

1. I am the very model of a modern major genderqueer.

2. Someone told me the most reliable way to hook up was to post on the Casual Sex category on Craigslist. I was like, Wait, they have a Casual Sex category? I keep posting myself under Free Stuff.

3. Gender education should precede sex education, because people have gender long before they ever have sex.

4. I am a fluffer in the great porn shoot of life.

5. It’s not your responsibility to maintain other peoples’ illusions.

6. I found the rainbow at the end of the pot of gold.

7. Let my people go…to the fucking toilet!

8. The Visigoths were no match for the Invisigoths.

9. Work is a prison you let yourself into.

10. They call them Nuclear families ‘cause of all the meltdowns!

11. I’m a Gender Stratocaster … with a whammy bar.

12. Privilege is antisocial behavior you can get away with.

13. Push back on privilege!

14. I’m a voyeur of my own exhibitionism.

15. I worry about the cylinders that never graduated.

16. I made a fist…and now I can’t find it anywhere.

17. The correct modifier for “normal” is “freakishly.”

18. I’m like an airline. I have blackout periods during the holidays.

19. The term “unborn child”  makes about as much sense as “unborn teenager” or “unborn dentist.”

20. I went through a black hole and emerged as a singularity.

21. Stop objectifying my eyes! My boobs are down here.

22. I used to be a horrible flirt. But I’m getting pretty good at it.

23. God was reverse-engineered from parents.

24. I was a fan of Smart Water until I found out they use artificial intelligence.

25. A relationship is a marvelous journey two or more people take together, or separately.

26. I’ve been having an extended disagreement with my autobiographer.

27. I’m a good fairy.

28. Be all the genders you can be!

29. Former aspiration: to be a writer’s writer. Current aspiration: to be a bottom’s bottom.

30. Fun fact: if you don’t know what a cisgender person is, odds are about 100% that you are one. And the rest of us know that you are!

31. I’m a strict believer in separation from church and state.

32. Slip of the tongue I most fear making: “so are you and your partner monotonous?”

33. I say leave “marriage” to the straight people, and let’s have “mawwidge” for queers. We’re all gonna get the reference.

34. There’s no such thing as the meaning of life; there’s only the meaning you make with your life.

35. I’d like to thank all the people who ever told me to “grow a pair” for not being specific.